I am The Chick Whisperer

Greetings, fellow alphas. If you are reading this blog, you are probably a proactive go-getter alpha male looking to further expand your toolset for drawing the inferior sex into your hypnotic thrall.

If you are not afraid of stepping into the Matrix (as I like to put it) and embracing the raw god-like power of one who has mastered all knowledge of human instincts, then come on in! Let us seduce chicks together and share our stories of conquest.

Now, I know there are haters and doubters out there, and I'm willing to logically answer all your objections.

First, a lot of people are under the illusion that it's possible to have an "honest" and "consensual" relationship where people just "like" each other and "want" to be together. Ha! What kind of world are you living in, Pollyanna? Let me tell you a couple of stories that will shatter this naive fantasy of yours.

When I was 16, I asked Nancy Weinberg to the prom, and she said she would think about it. She never got back to me. Later I found out she went with Eddie Chiu, the student body president. I learned two things from this incident - that all women are lying, cheating bitches that only want to hurt you if you're not fast enough to hurt them first, and that Asians are all out to get you. When people point out that Nancy Weinberg is only one person, I tell them that she's more like two people because she's really fat now. BURN. She's not actually really fat, I think she's an aerobics instructor, but then the burn wouldn't make any sense, so I think I deserve some creative license.

The second story I have is about my friend Josh. When he was 14, his parents got divorced, and he had to go move to LA with his dad. So ha! There's your proof that monogamous "equal" relationships never work. When people try to pretend they work, then your best friend in the whole world moves away to LA and it's not fair.

That was the worst summer because I ended up having nothing to do and my parents wouldn't even buy me a Super Nintendo because I had to "earn it", but I showed them now because even though I'm rich and successful I don't get them any presents ever, even for their 25th anniversary last year.

Anyway, I digress. My point was that monogamy doesn't work.

Once I came to realize the basic truths of life, I started studying humans as animals. Because that's all we are. Animals that wear clothes. I started realizing that we can extrapolate from male success in the animal kingdom and apply it to our own mating attempts.

For example, I realized that the a large part of why I wasn't being inundated with women was that they didn't realize I was there. Sometimes I would say hi to a female coworker I had been working with for a year and they would say, "Are you new here?" Then I realized that in the wild, animals mark their territory, and that's how they keep other animals (especiall females) aware of them. So I started peeing all over the office. NOW when all the chicks see me, they say, "Oh, it's that guy that pees all over the place," and kind of cower away, obviously submitting to my dominance.

Anyway, more later, but congratulations for taking the first step and embracing your animal nature. I'll have plenty of insights and cheat codes about how to win at women next time. (In the pick-up artist community, I believe we call them "hax". My fans seem to use that term a lot, anyway.)